Toxic behaviour often hides behind charm, but recognising the patterns is the first step to reclaiming your power
Your light isn’t the problem—it’s their inability to value it. Recognise the signs, and reclaim your strength.
If you’re already familiar with narcissistic traits and types , this post will help you go deeper by recognising the specific tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control.
Why Narcissists Use a Playbook
Toxic relationships leave us questioning our reality, doubting our worth, and feeling trapped in a cycle of confusion. While not everyone exhibiting harmful behaviours is a narcissist, certain patterns—like gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional manipulation—are often at the core of these experiences.
Understanding these tactics empowers you to regain clarity, set boundaries, and protect your emotional well-being.
Recognising the Tactics
Narcissists follow a disturbingly predictable pattern. If any of these feel familiar, you’re not imagining things:
👉 They manipulate your reality.
They gaslight you, convincing you that your feelings and memories are wrong. They’ll make you question yourself so deeply that you don’t even trust your gut anymore.
👉 They rewrite the story.
Narcissists are experts at playing the victim. They’ll tell others you’re the one who hurt them, twisting facts to gain sympathy and isolate you further.
👉 They project their flaws onto you.
Accusations like “You’re wearing a mask,” or “You’re the narcissist,” are deliberate. They’re designed to make you question yourself and shift the focus away from their behaviour.
👉 They keep you trapped.
As long as you go along with what they want, things might feel “calm.” But the moment you stand up for yourself, set a boundary, or express your needs, they lash out – often in subtle but damaging ways.
👉 They rush commitment.
Early on, they may push for big commitments: moving in together, marriage, or even having children. This isn’t about love – it’s about control. These commitments make it harder for you to leave and easier for them to maintain power over you.
👉 They promise the perfect future.
This tactic, often called future faking, involves grand promises of an idealised life together – a dream wedding, a perfect family, or an amazing shared future. But these promises are rarely genuine and often serve to keep you emotionally hooked.
👉 They involve others to manipulate you.
Through triangulation, they might involve exes, friends, or even strangers to create jealousy, rivalry, or confusion. This tension makes you feel insecure and more dependent on their approval.
👉 They control their narrative.
To the outside world, they appear charming, kind, and reflective. They paint a picture of themselves as “the good one,” while casting you as the unreasonable or unstable partner.
These tactics are designed to do one thing: maintain control over you. And the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to see the truth through the fog of manipulation.
For a deeper understanding of narcissism and its various forms, visit
Understanding Narcissism: Traits, Types, and Stepsto Protect Yourself."
Why Narcissists Target Specific People
Narcissists are drawn to empathetic, kind-hearted individuals—not because of flaws, but because of their compassion and willingness to give.
It’s important to know:
- This isn’t a reflection of your weakness—your light is what attracted them.
- Their inability to value your strengths is the real problem.
- Reclaiming your power begins with recognising your worth and releasing the shame or blame they project onto you.
When They Refuse to Let Go
Walking away from a narcissist is rarely the end of the story. They don’t want to lose control, and when they sense they’re losing their grip, they escalate.
It might look like this:
👉 Unwanted contact.
Endless calls, emails, or even showing up unannounced are common tactics. These aren’t acts of love or reconciliation; they’re calculated moves to disrupt your peace and regain power.
👉 Grand gestures that feel fake.
They claim they’ve changed or want to “make things right.” But their actions reveal the truth: they’re still gaslighting, blaming, and pushing their version of the story.
👉 Reversing the blame.
Accusations like “You’re the narcissist,” are projections meant to destabilise you and distract from their behaviour.
👉 Putting on a show.
To the outside world, they seem composed and confident, making you appear emotional or unstable in contrast.
👉 Using others to create confusion.
Through triangulation, they might involve others to reinforce their narrative. For example, they may imply that someone else admires them or validate their version of the story by getting others to side with them.
If you’ve experienced this, know this isn’t about love – it’s about their desperation to keep control.
Breaking Free from Their Playbook
If you’re trapped in this dynamic, here’s how to start reclaiming your life:
- See Their Behaviour for What It Is: Recognise manipulation and remind yourself this isn’t love—it’s control.
- Set Boundaries: Create firm, clear boundaries and enforce them without explanation.
- Develop a Safety Plan: Inform trusted friends or authorities if necessary.
- Surround Yourself with Validation: Seek support from people who affirm your reality.
- Rebuild Your Confidence: Focus on activities, journaling, or spending time with uplifting individuals.
Prepare for Retaliation: Their escalation reflects their loss of control, not your worth.
Breaking free is a process, but every step you take strengthens your resilience.
Healing After Breaking Free
Rebuilding your life after leaving a toxic relationship takes time, but it’s worth the effort.
Here’s how to begin:
- Rediscover Yourself: Reconnect with yourself and explore your authentic desires.
- Rebuild Trust: Start with trusting yourself—your instincts, your decisions, and your worth.
- Focus on Growth: This is your time to heal, grow, and step into the life you deserve.
You Don’t Have to Face This Alone
If you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, know that compassionate guidance is available. Together, we can:
- Understand your experience and its impact.
- Create a plan to rebuild your confidence and trust.
- Navigate the path forward with clarity and support.
If you’re ready to reclaim your power and move forward, let’s connect. You don’t have to walk this journey alone.
If you’re ready to step into empowerment, read Recognising and Reclaiming Your Power in Toxic Relationships.
You can also strengthen your emotional resilience with the tools offered in Emotional Mastery.