When a relationship with a narcissist ends, it often seems as if the nightmare is over.

But in reality, that is when the real struggle begins. The narcissist, who is losing their grip, will do anything to regain control. The codependent, who was emotionally dependent on the relationship, feels a paralysing emptiness and can – consciously or unconsciously – become entangled in an obsessive focus on the other person.

Both are stalking, but in different ways.

The Stalking Behaviour of the Narcissist – Regaining Power and Control

When a narcissist is abandoned, it is as if you have taken their prey from a predator. Not out of love, but out of a loss of control.

This can manifest itself in:

• Calling incessantly, sending messages or emails
• Threats, manipulative statements or sudden ‘declarations of love
• Suddenly turning up where you are – sometimes even in another country
• Contacting exes or friends to gather information about you
• Posting on social media in the hope of provoking a reaction
• Openly or subtly denigrating mutual acquaintances

A narcissist cannot bear to think that you were the one who ended the relationship. They need to have the last word and make you feel that you have not ‘rejected’ them.

If you are the one who ended the relationship, a narcissist cannot accept this. Not because they love you, but because they lose control. And if you did not end the relationship, they will still try to keep you on a leash—as a backup, as a reserve, as an option for when it suits them.

And when they can no longer control you? Then they will replace you. Or rather, that replacement has been in place for a long time. But that does not mean that they will just let you go. Because as long as you still react to something—even if it is only in your mind—they will keep a grip on you. And as long as there is still a reaction, they will keep going. Until they no longer get any response.

I have broken off a relationship with a narcissist twice in my life.

The last relationship was the most intense, but also my greatest liberation. Because I not only broke free from him, but also from the whole pattern that had once kept me trapped in it.

And that is the core:

The narcissist only truly disappears from your life when you stop giving.

No attention, no reactions, no energy.

Only when you let go completely will their grip disappear.

As soon as you really stop reacting, you will notice that the narcissist's energy begins to fade. What remains? You. And the freedom to finally fill your life in a way that serves you.

The Unconscious Stalking Behaviour of the Codependent – Loss of Support

Why it is so difficult for codependents to let go

A codependent does not always literally stalk, but they do stalk emotionally and energetically. The brain of a codependent is programmed for connection – in an extreme way. When a narcissist leaves them (or when they finally find the courage to leave), an ancient panic reaction is triggered unconsciously.

• Constant thoughts of the narcissist – analysing what happened for hours on end
• Scouring social media – looking to see if they have a new partner, what they post, who they follow
• Seeking out the narcissist's ex-partners or family members – hoping for information or confirmation
• Avoiding (or seeking out) parties, places or environments where they might be
• Responding to a message, wanting to have one last conversation, seeking closure
• Making up a reason to contact someone under the guise of ‘closure
• Unable to bear that someone is angry with them, and therefore trying to make up for what cannot be repaired

The problem? This does not feel like stalking, but as a necessity.

The codependent thinks: I need to know why, I need answers, maybe he/she is sorry after all, was it really that bad?

It feels like you are falling without a safety net.

• You search for answers. Why did this happen? Could I have done something differently?
• You think you need closure. One last conversation, one more time to hear what he/she has to say. But that closure never comes.
• Your brain is working against you. Codependents are used to blaming themselves. ‘Maybe I saw it wrong.’
• Your body is addicted to the dynamic. The extreme love and rejection have disrupted your nervous system.

But this is nothing more than the addiction continuing to affect you. The physical and emotional withdrawal of a narcissist can be compared to kicking a drug. The body and brain beg for a ‘fix’ - not because you want to go back, but because your system cannot handle the emptiness.

If you dare to go through that first phase, a totally new reality will open up. One in which you will finally find peace, gain clarity and no longer be a slave to someone else's manipulation. The silence that now feels uncomfortable will soon become your greatest freedom.

What you are really looking for is not the narcissist. What you are looking for is the deepest recognition of yourself. As soon as you understand that, everything changes.

Because what you are looking for, you will never find there.

• The narcissist will never tell the truth.
• You will never get the answer you are hoping for.
• There will never come a moment when they say: ‘You were right.’

The only solution?

• Breaking through the energy. Not only physically blocking it, but also mentally and emotionally.
• Catching yourself in those moments of ‘just one more look’. This is not love, this is rehab.
• Creating a different focus point. Your brain will keep asking for something to hold on to – give it something else.
• Keep repeating the truth. You have not been abandoned. You have freed yourself.

Because the sooner you stop giving them your energy, the sooner you will find yourself again. Your freedom does not lie in their reaction. Not in closure. Not in knowing if they have moved on. Your freedom lies within you. And as soon as you truly feel that, you are free.

The Narcissist Won't Let Go – But You Can

A narcissist thrives on power and control.

As long as you react, as long as you keep looking, as long as you even think of an answer, there will be an opening.

And they know exactly how to keep you trapped.

• First they beg. ‘I made mistakes, but I've changed. You were always the one.’
• Then the accusations. ‘You weren't perfect either.’ ‘I hope you find happiness, but I never expected this from you.’
• Then the threats. They ‘accidentally’ let it slip that they already have a new partner, they start gossiping about you, they try to destroy you emotionally.
• Incoherent messages. Long emails or texts with no logic – vague excuses, philosophical statements, all to sow confusion.
• Physical stalking. Suddenly they are there. At your work. In your city. Maybe even in another country. Under the pretext of ‘I just had to talk to you.’
• You become the narcissist. When you refuse to respond, they suddenly claim: ‘You destroyed me. You have no empathy.’ And before you know it, you are being vilified as the perpetrator.
• Unpredictability. One day furious, the next day loving and understanding. This is done deliberately: it keeps you in a state of doubt and emotional chaos.

And that is exactly how they keep you trapped. A narcissist hopes you will give in. That you will react just once. Because every reaction means they have control. This is why a complete block is necessary. Not only on your phone, but in your head, your heart and your energy.

How You Can Really Break Free & Find True Freedom

The narcissist will not let go, but you can.

As long as you continue to react, to look for or even just think about a response, there will be an opening.

But what if you finally stop?

• The energy changes.
• Peace returns.
• The freedom you were seeking arises of its own accord.

This is not an easy process, but it is a process that changes everything.

What you feel now is withdrawal pain. But what comes next? That is something you have never known. A freedom that is not based on the absence of the narcissist, but on the full presence of yourself.

Because that is the only real key: learning how to fill that emptiness yourself, without external fixation.

The Real Letting Go Starts Here

Both the narcissist and the codependent have something that drives them to hold on.

• The narcissist wants power.
• The codependent wants recognition.

But if you really want to become free, the first step is not to wait for the feeling to go away.

It is actively choosing to break the connection - not just physically, but on all levels.

• Stop looking.
• Stop analysing.
• Stop hoping it would be different.
• And start healing.

Because the sooner you bring the focus back to yourself, the sooner you will discover that you don't need it. That you are more powerful than you think. And that freedom only truly begins when you stop searching for something that has never healed you.

The True Mirror & The Greatest Liberation

This may be one of the hardest mirrors you will ever encounter. But it is also your greatest liberation.

You think you are losing something, but in reality you are only losing the illusion. And what do you gain? Inner peace, emotional freedom and a life in which you are in control.

The moment you stop fighting, the fight stops. The moment you stop looking, clarity emerges. And the moment you dare to choose yourself above all else, your true freedom begins.

What if this time you choose you? What if you finally stop fighting and simply decide to put yourself first?

That is where healing begins. And that is where you find yourself.

The moment you stop fighting, the fight ends. The moment you stop looking, clarity arises. And the moment you dare to choose yourself above all else, your true freedom begins.