Understanding Toxic Traits

Moving Beyond Labels to Heal and Empower

The term "narcissist" has become a widely used label in conversations about toxic behaviour. For many, it feels like an apt descriptor for someone who exhibits traits such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, manipulation, or a lack of empathy. These behaviours are undeniably harmful and leave a lasting impact on those who experience them. Yet, as we dig deeper, it becomes clear that the overuse of the word "narcissist" may stem more from a need to make sense of pain than from an accurate diagnosis.

First, let’s acknowledge the obvious: there are individuals whose behaviour can only be described as harmful, toxic, or deeply selfish. When faced with such behaviour—especially if it’s sustained—it’s natural to want to define it, to categorise it. Labeling someone a narcissist can feel like a way to claim back power, to validate the pain caused by their actions, and to give ourselves closure. It’s a way of saying, “This isn’t just in my head; their behaviour is real, and it’s not okay.”

But not everyone who exhibits these traits fits the clinical definition of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Toxic behaviour can arise from many sources: unresolved childhood wounds, unhealed trauma, systemic patterns of dysfunction, or simply a lack of emotional awareness. People can act in ways that are selfish, harmful, or emotionally abusive without necessarily being narcissists. To understand this distinction is not to excuse their behaviour, but to create space for a more nuanced perspective.

For a detailed guide to recognising patterns of manipulation and control, see

The Narcissist’s Playbook: RecognisingToxic Patterns in Relationships.

Why We Default to Labels

Human beings are wired to make sense of the world by categorising it. When we encounter hurtful behaviour, especially when it’s repetitive or deeply affecting, we instinctively seek patterns. Terms like “narcissist” become shortcuts for describing complex dynamics that feel otherwise overwhelming. They’re relatable, widely understood, and often resonate with personal experiences or stories we’ve heard from others. However, the problem arises when these terms become catch-alls, obscuring the individual’s humanity and the root causes of their behaviour.

For example, someone who constantly invalidates your feelings or refuses accountability may be repeating patterns they learned in a chaotic upbringing. They might not have the tools to engage differently, but their actions feel so hurtful and intentional that it’s hard to see beyond the immediate impact.

The Complexity of Toxic Behaviour

Toxic traits, such as manipulation, emotional neglect, or control, often stem from deep-seated wounds. A person who gaslights might have grown up in an environment where admitting fault was dangerous, and they learned to deflect responsibility to survive. Someone who struggles with empathy might have been taught to suppress their emotions so thoroughly that they can’t access them for others.

This doesn’t mean we should tolerate or excuse toxic behaviour. Boundaries are essential for protecting our well-being. But understanding the roots of these behaviours can shift how we see the person exhibiting them. It’s not about condoning harm but recognising that not all harm comes from malice—sometimes, it comes from pain.

Reclaiming Language

Rather than defaulting to the word “narcissist,” we can use language that better reflects the situation. For example, describing behaviour as “toxic,” “harmful,” or “self-centered” can feel less final and more accurate. These terms leave room for complexity—acknowledging that while someone’s actions may be damaging, they are not necessarily defined entirely by those actions.

Empowering Yourself Without Labels

When we’re on the receiving end of toxic behaviour, the most important thing is not what we call it, but how we respond to it. Instead of focusing on diagnosing the person, we can focus on:

• Setting Clear Boundaries: Decide what is and isn’t acceptable for your emotional well-being, and communicate these boundaries clearly. 

• Seeking Support: Whether through therapy, trusted friends, or support groups, find a space where you can process your experiences without judgment.

• Focusing on Your Healing: The behaviour of others is beyond our control, but how we heal and grow is within our power. Prioritize self-care and emotional growth.

Looking to strengthen your boundaries and emotional resilience?

Explore Emotional Mastery or Healthy Boundaries.

A Call for Compassion and Accountability

It’s possible to hold two truths at once: that someone’s behaviour is harmful and unacceptable, and that their actions may come from a place of unhealed wounds. Compassion doesn’t mean staying in a toxic situation, nor does it mean excusing harm. It simply means acknowledging that humans are complex beings shaped by their experiences.

Moving Forward

When we move beyond labels, we open the door to deeper understanding and healing. By addressing the behaviour itself rather than attaching a diagnosis, we empower ourselves to make decisions based on what serves our well-being rather than what fits into a box.

If you’ve been hurt by someone who exhibits toxic traits, know that your feelings are valid. The pain they caused is real, and it’s okay to name it and seek support. But also remember: you are not defined by their behaviour. Your strength lies in your ability to heal, to set boundaries, and to reclaim your narrative. And in doing so, you contribute to a world where compassion and accountability coexist, allowing space for growth and understanding on all sides.

Learn how to take back control and rediscover your inner strength in

Recognising and Reclaiming Your Power in ToxicRelationships.